All The Wrong Reasons

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Watchers, if you still visit this site:  This is not meant to be a cry for pity, so if it comes off as that, I apologize.  This is, however, meant to be a request for some form of coaching or advice in whatever I am not necessarily aware of about me.  I get that most of you don't really know anything about me, but I just feel like I need to be spoken to about the issue above.  This much, if you care to look, you will learn about me.

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I had to look back at my motives for doing art.

It's the same motive behind my playing online games, or even why I temperamentally care(d?) too much about my performance at work:  I want to prove my worth. 
I've got a chip on my shoulder the size of a capital star ship, if not bigger, and it's all about me and why I'm unapologetically and unprogressively pathetic when it comes to everything.

I don't want to do these things just to be good at them or to do them just because I have a want to do and no other reason behind it.  I want to do them because I want to stand above, and that's not a good enough reason for it.  It's why I simultaneously commit no action and no real progress in spiritual growth.  I want to be better than people.  That's not right.  That's not even sane.  I know that something within me is stopping me from even committing to a single goal other than single-player video games because that's about the only thing I can do with any degree of active neutrality.

What started this?  Probably things in sixth or seventh grade that have turned into hazy memories of having my then and possibly still oversized ego bruised.  I wasn't meritable back then, and haven't been for years.  Come to think of it, I may not have ever been given any merits all throughout my school years.  So, uh...why do I even care about that?  That special bit of validation that says that "I'M S-M-R-T"?
Boils down to praise, and never getting any of it.

So really, I'm going to title drop and bring it back to that for the main part.  I've been thinking about doing art for all the wrong reasons.  I've been looking at my once childhood pick of a career where I wanted to be a game designer and seeing it as a piss-poor attempt to grab fame.  Again, the wrong reasons.  I didn't even really put out the right effort to even succeed towards that goal, anyway.  Even I did like shit in my high school programming class.  Every last thing that I've ever done in my life has been for the wrong reasons. 

It wasn't for me to express myself. 

It was for me to step on top of everyone and declare superiority.