Cooking With Hardy 8

Act 2, Episode 3:  Kingpin of Basketball
                           or
                   What to do when you've torched your videogame celebrity career

Sigma:  Can we start being weird yet?!

Katri:  No.

Sigma:  Can we start being weird yet?!

Katri:  No.

Sigma:  Can we start being weird yet?!

Katri:  No.

Sigma:  Can we start being weird yet?!

Katri:  No.

Sigma:  Can we start being weird yet?!

Katri:  FOR GOD'S SAKE WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET THE CREW WORK ON FIXING
THE SET?!??!?!

Voice of God, Sean Connery:  I heard that.  *snaps fingers and the set
magically returns to normal*  Now they don't have to.

Stage Repair Crew:  Yay!  Donut break!  Praise the Lord!

Katri:  *&&*  *eye twitches*  Next time something happens...

Samus:  ACHOO!!  Dammit.  *snif*  Hey, Katri?  You wouldn't happen to have
any allergy medicine, would you?  I've got an important call from a client
ah-abshew!  About some group of bored people that have the potential to
cause a mean lot of havoc.

Katri:  As if we haven't already had enough of that.  Vegeta's in plastic
surgery to fix his boob problem, Cloud's dead, AGAIN.  And you're asking
me for allergy meds.

Samus:  Personally-*cough*-it's your damn fault for putting dogs into my
apartment.

Katri:  What makes you think it was my fault?!

Samus:  Cause you're the goddamn author!!  *COUGH-COUGH-snif*

Katri:  u_u ...why me?  Why did *I* have to be in charge of this...*hands over
a medicine cabinet*

--------------------

Houston:  Allegra, Nasonex, Benadryl, Flonase, NyQuil?!  Samus, do you
seriously think that you'd be able to investigate a potential crime
doped up on these things?

Samus:  *at the dining table*  zzzzz....

Houston:  Guess not.  Looks like it's up to me!  *dramatic pose to
Megaman Robot Master theme*  (Extreme Goofball:  Houston Man)
Uhh...double-u tee eff?

Dr. Wily:  *evil cackles*

Houston:  What are you doing in here?

Samus:  zzzzzz... *wakes up and stumbles over the couch* ...WhocterFileyhasthe
prescerpshunferthwhayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyto be eeevuuul!!!  *giggles and falls
asleep again* ...zzzzz

Ridley:  And I thought my run-in with THC was weird.

Houston:  You haven't seen the worst of it.  Wait until she's drunk.

Dr. Wily:  I shudder to think of it.  *runs away*

Ducks flying around:  Chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-doo,
chu-chu-chuchu-doo-doo!  (Dr. Wily:  Oh my god, not now!  *gets run over by
a katamari ball*  AAAAAAAHHH!!!!)  Chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-chu-doo,
chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chuchu-doo-doo!

*Katamari Damacy intro theme plays for about 30 seconds while various
things in the space station get rolled up*

----------------------------

Hardy:  *sighs*  Anyway, I've decided to show off three cornbread recipes today.
Hopefully all of our chaotic elements of the audience have been removed, blah,
blah, blah, blah-

Zero:  *has a thought dawn on him*  Hey, X?  Do you remember what I did yesterday?

X:  Huh?

Zero:  I took a blowtorch to Capcom.  I just ruined our career!  What was I
thinking?!

X:  Must...destroy...Role Playing Game!  That's what was on your mind.

Zero:  Oh yeah....*long pause*

X:  *long pause*...Think that we could work for Microsoft?

Zero:  *blowtorches X*  I do NOT want to have a license on X-box.

X:  *in whiny fem tone*  But it's got my name on it.

Zero:  *blowtorches X again*  And Apocalypse should fall if Microsoft ever makes a
Zero-box!  AAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!

Hardy:  *stops talking and stares in horror*  .o0(Oh, no...it's starting again.
I have...diarhhea...)

Malfoy:  *grins evilly as he uses an Irritable Bowel jinx non-verbally on Hardy*

Snape:  *looks questioningly at Malfoy, for the instance in which Harry and
Hermione had to excuse themselves to the restroom two minutes ago...and haven't
come back yet.*  Now that's the way to use magic.

Audience:  *Watches Hardy waddle away from the studio to the nearest bathroom*

Katri:  ...and God sent for a suitable replacement to our missing chef.

Voice of God, Sean Connery:  It shall be done.  *snaps fingers and Cartman
appears behind the kitchen counter on an elevated platform*

Katri:  *claps a hand over his eyes*  .o0(Oh, no way...)

Voice of God, Sean Connery:  *To Katri*  Would you rather it be Fat Bastard?

Katri:  *in a miserable whine*  No.  I can work with this.

--------------------

Hardy:  Aaah...bathroombathroombathroombathroom...*squeezes into a narrow stall in
the men's room*  Oh crud.  I wasn't thinking.

--------------------

Commentator 1:  The crowd is insane tonight here at the Dial "B" for Basketball
event of Alpha Centauri station!

Commentator 2:  THAT'S RIGHT BECAUSE WE HAVE TWO TEAMS PLAYING A VERY UNIQUE
RENDITION OF THIS GRAND SPORT THAT HAS LASTED FOR CENTURIIIIEEEES!!!

Commentator 1:  On one team we have Spiderman and the X-Men!

Commentator 2:  AND ON THE OTHER TEAM WE HAVE SUPERMAN, THE BLOB, THE PUNISHER,
AAAAAND THE FANTAASTIC FOUUUUUURRR!!!

Commentator 1:  But due to a deficit in quality basketball production, we've
had to add the requirement of a random rubber-like person to be the basketball.

Commentator 2:  AND SINCE THE BLOB IS TOO FAT AND HEAVY FOR THE JOB, WE'VE
PICKED THE KINGPIN TO BE THE VOLUNTEER BAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!

Mascot duck:  Aflac!  Aflac!

*Crowds cheer*

Commentator 1:  Here goes!  Spiderman's got the Kingpin-no wait-Superman, now he
passes the Kingpin over to The Thing, passes to Mr. Fantastic-I really don't know
why he couldn't have been the volunteer ball, he so stretchy-

Commentator 2:  INDEED HE IS, CATCHING AND BOUNDING THE KINGPIN ALL THE WAY TO THE
SPIDER TEAM HOOP BY STRETCHING OUT INTO A GIANT TRAMPOLINE-MAAAAN!  AND IT'S A SCORE!
TWO POINTS FOR THE SUPER TEAM-HOW DOES THAT BIG GUY FIT INTO THAT TINY HOOP?!

Commentator 1:  No idea, Storm has the Kingpin, passes to Beast, passes to Storm, who
slam dunks ala Michael Jordan of yore-two points-and the crowd roars like a tornado!

Commentator 2:  THAT'S BECAUSE THAT IS A TORNADO, MISTER-MISTER!  STORM'S BLOCKING
THE BLOB FROM TRYING TO CHARGE AGAINST HER WITH A MIGHTY TWIRLING GAAAAAAAALLLLE!!!

Mascot duck:  Aflac!  Aflac!

*Katamari Damacy theme starts to play as more ducks flutter down and sit near the
Aflac mascot*

Duck flock:  Chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-doo,
chu-chu-chuchu-doo-doo! (Mascot duck:  AFLAC!)  Chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chuchu-doo-doo!  (Mascot duck:  A-*gets run over by the katamari*-FLAAAAAAAAAAC!!!!)  Chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-chu-doo, chu-chu-chu-doo,
chu-chu-chuchu-doo-doo!

Commentator 1:  Nightcrawler has the Kingpin, passes to Gambit-ooh!  Now The Punisher
has it, passes to The Blob, nobody's fowling that lardtub easy!

Commentator 2:  HE SHOOTS THE KINGPIN AT THE HOOP AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD
COUNT IT AS A BASKET AS HE'S FLOWN THROUGH THE HEADBOARD AND IS NOW STUCK ON-WHAT IN THE
WORLD IS THAT THIIIIING?!

The Thing:  It's Clobberin' Time!  *runs at the katamari and gets absorbed into it*

Commentator 1:  I don't know what that is, but it's eating up everything, audience,
players and...bleachers?!

Commentator 2:  IT'S TAKING UP THE HOOP FRAMES, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE WHILE WE CAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAN!!!!

*Commentators' room gets attached to the katamari*

Commentators:  AAAAAAHH!!!!!

---------------------------

Cartman:  Ehhhh...where was this doofus at when we was cookin' *mumbles and looks at the
ingredients and then the cards taped to the counter*  Wha?  OH MY #@$$# GOD, THERE'S
RECIPE CARDS HERE!!

Voice of God, Sean Connery:  *To Cartman*  You have to pick up where Hardy left off,
the fate of the show depends on it!

Cartman:  Aright, aright.  I like watchin' this show, the audience is funny.  *goes
casually to cooking the recipies on the cards*

Zero:  *panting, with eye twitches*  Now who's defeated X, Sigma?

Sigma:  *staring at the twisted and blackened metal pile on the floor*  Nice.
Looks like you didn't need to know that Dr. Wily created you after all.

Zero:  Did he really? *glares evilly at Dr. Wily*

Sigma:  Uh oh.

Harry:  *returns from the bathroom*  That was horrible.  I felt like I'd never stop
going.  I think I've become 10 pounds from anorexic.

Hermione:  You think you have it bad, I had to use thirty rolls of toilet paper, and
you wouldn't believe how often I had to unclog the toilet in the while.

*Harry and Hermione duck as Zero starts to attack Dr. Wily*

Zero:  AAAAARRRGH!!!

Dr. Wily:  Get this rabid Reploid away from meeeeee!!!

Bulma:  Alright, that's enough.  *nods at Chi-Chi*

Chi-Chi:  Take over.

*Uber-long 1 minute transformation scene involving Bulma going Super Bulma*

Nappa:  WOW!  Vegeta's gonna be jealous of HER power instead of Kakkarotto's now!

Vegeta:  *returns with bandages around his chest*  I'm going to be jealous of
what?

Nappa:  Nothing!  I didn't say that your wife was stronger than you!  Nope, not me!
*gets patted casually on the shoulder by Vegeta*  ...Huh?

Vegeta:  It's okay.  I already knew she was.

Barret:  Dat's gotta be tha' most powerful woman in the universe!

Super Bulma:  *blows up Zero*

Samus:  *sleepwalks into the stupid...er...studio*  zzzzzzz....

Yuffie:  Leaps into Tifa's arms and shouts "OMG ZOMBIE!!!ONE!!"

Tifa:  *looks at Yuffie like she's gone insane and drops her butt-first to the
ground*

Sephiroth:  Finally, the idiot author gets my name right the first time in an
episode!

Sigma:  *snickers and mutters under his breath*  Sehption...

Sephiroth:  I HEARD THAT!!  *slices Sigma in half with Masamune*

Sigma:  OH NOOOOOOOoOOOOES!!!!  *explodes*

Zero:  Hey!  Now I'm really out of a career!!  *cell phone rings*  Huh?  Yeah?
Yeah?  Oh really?!  Woo-hoo!  *prances away from the studio*

Sephiroth:  *cell phone rings with FF7 Victory theme*  Hello?

Secret Capcom Executive: *over the phone* We at the Capcom Underground would
like to congratulate you for defeating that nuisance Sigma once and for all.
How would you like to contact Square-Enix about joining us for a contract with
Nintendo?

Sephiroth:  Uh...what's gonna be in this for me?

Secret Capcom Executive: *over the phone*  How about your own hero publicity
and being an even bigger game celeb than you already are?

Sephiroth:  Well...since I can't be Chairman of the Federation...why not?

Secret Capcom Executive: *over the phone*  Great.  Meet us at the address on
the following message after we end this call.  Goodbye, and we hope to hear
from you.

Sephiroth:  *hears the phone hang up, and then a short of One-Winged Angel
as he recieves a text message.  He also leaves the studio, to follow
the directions on the message*

Hojo:  Oh, great.  Ah well, my son's a popular guy.

Rabid fanboys:  He's so bishonen and kawai-i-i-i-i-i-i-i!!!

Rabid fangirls:  HE IS OUR LORD AND MASTER!!

Cartman:  Wha?  'EY!  GET THOSE @*#$#@$% @#$#@$ @#%@ FANGIRLS OUT OF MAH STUDIO!
*hears a loud crash and his eyes grow super-wide in horror*  Screw you guys...I'm-a
goin' home.  *runs away crying like a little girl*

Katri:  And God sent for-*gets glomped by an enormous katamari*-AAAAAH!

Voice of God, Sean Connery:  What did I send for?

*everyone panicks as they get rolled up into the katamari ball*

King of All Cosmos:  Time's Up!  Now we must go home!  Royal Rainbow!

-----------------------------

Latin chanters:  *Due to death threats from co-author, the original incantation of
this script is NOT going to be used.*  

Revised incantation:  Beer, beer, beer, tiddly, beer, beer beer...a lot time ago
way back in history, when all to drink was nothing but cups of tea, along came a
man by the name of Charlie Mops, and he invented a wonderful drink, 'n he made
it out of hops...

*Sephiroth and Zero enter the chamber of the latin chanters*

Sephiroth:  What in the world?

Zero:  They're singing about beer?  I thought that Capcom and Square were working
with Nintendo?

--------------------

Katri:  Oh dear-beer, beer, tiddly, beer, beer, beer...what's going to happen next,
far up in chaptering, when all to do was nothing but parody, along came a man by
the name of Charlie Mops, and he intended a terrible thing, 'n he....hmmm....gonna
have to ask Kefka for a decent improv line here.

Kefka:  BEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR!!!!

Katri:  ...never mind.  Until next chapter.

--------------------

King of All Cosmos:  Oh, wow.  This katamari is huge.  Huger than huge!  It's bigger
than any katamari we have done!  Let us put it into the sky, and it shall be a star
for all to see!

*hurls the katamari into the sky, and it becomes the Alpha Centauri station again*

--------------------

Hardy:  *in bathroom stall*  Hello?  I'm still stuck in here!!  I'm done going, it
shouldn't stink!